It would be helpful if the world could just stop for a day or a week (or a year!) when your heart is shattered by the news that one of the children you birthed into this world has suddenly left it. But it doesn’t. Immediately all the roles I have played for decades are overlaid by a new role:  bereaved mother.  This role is more like a foggy blanket that obscures and disorients me as I struggle to fulfill all the roles to which I’ve become accustomed.

There are so many ways child loss impacts relationships! And every. single. relationship. gets more complicated.   When your heart is shattered, there are lots of sharp edges that end up cutting you and everyone around you.  It’s pretty much inevitable that one or more relationships will need mending at some point..

It cannot be overstated:  holidays are extremely hard after loss.  Every family gathering highlights the hole where my son SHOULD be, but ISN’T. There is no “right way” or “wrong way” to handle the holidays after losing a child. For many, there is only survival-especially the very first year. These days also stir great internal conflict:  I want to enjoy and celebrate my living children and my family still here while missing my son that isn’t. Emotions run high and are, oh

Know that this is not what I would have chosen. Child loss happened TO me. It is out of my control. And the calendar pages keep turning.  Every holiday season means another year gone without the companionship of the child I miss. I want to continue to embrace life, to enjoy my loved ones, to make new memories. But I need your help to make it happen.

I know that all these suggestions require additional emotional energy when we feel we are already tapped out.  We are already carrying a load that can crush a spirit-it seems unfair that we have to initiate the conversation, offer alternatives and give grace. But they do not understand. And they may not know where to start. We have to remain focused on the goal:  Surviving the holidays.

I will confess: I’m no better at this than the first set of holidays after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. Every. Single. Year. has brought changes and challenges on top of the empty chair round the family table.

Feeling a little nostalgic for what WAS is perfectly normal.  Most of us humans aren’t that fond of change. But children are ours for a season, not forever.   They are given to us as gifts, not possessions. For some mamas, like me, it really IS over.

I’m learning to stand up and speak my truth even when others don’t understand it. None of us chose to be bereaved parents.

It’s different for every heart. But each of us who know child loss have a season of sorrow. It’s more than “just” the day our child left.

Lord, this season reminds me that whenever I am weak, You are strong. Is it alright if I grieve around You? I have to act strong...

Joy and sorrow both dwell in my soul and I cannot reveal one and hide the other.  I may laugh and cry in the same moment.

So many people think grief grows smaller over time.  But that’s not it at all.  Grief occupies exactly the same space in my heart.

There is no "right way" or "wrong way" to handle holidays after losing a child. For many, there is only survival.

A letter to family and friends that can help them understand (a little) what it's like to face holidays after child loss.

I and several other seasoned bereaved parents will share a bit about how to navigate this difficult time of year.