Suffering is hard but it won’t last forever. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4 NIV

Because child loss is so devastating and painful, it’s easy to believe the only logical reason for this agony is that it’s punishment. It took me awhile to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me into the truth that it is not. All the punishment for sin was borne by Jesus.

One of the greatest challenges I faced this side of child loss was finding a space where I could speak honestly and openly about my feelings toward God and about my faith. So many times I was shut down at the point of transparency by someone shooting off a Bible verse or hymn chorus or just a chipper, “God’s in control!” They had NO IDEA how believing that (and I do!) God is in control was both comforting and utterly devastating at the very same time.

We enter this world when we leave our mother’s womb. That is the beginning. But our lives never end.  We are eternal beings, created in the image of God, destined to spend forever with Him-IF we receive the gift of redemption made possible by the blood of Christ Jesus.

One of the most devastating questions I had to face after Dominic ran ahead to heaven was, “What difference does prayer make?”   I had prayed-diligently prayed-for every one of my children since before they were born. Even Dominic’s name, which means “belonging to God” was chosen carefully to reflect my heart’s desire that this child follow hard after Jesus. So why didn’t prayer “work”?  Why did my son die in an accident when others live?

It’s the promise that God is faithful, His word is true and this life is not all there is that gets us through. But for this mama’s broken heart, a few choruses in and I’m in tears.   While I am thankful, thankful, thankful that I know I will see my son again, these hymns remind me that a lifetime may lie between here and there.

I believe that grief becomes sin when I choose to turn my face away from God and only toward my sorrow. If I am holding it and dragging it with me toward the foot of the cross, that’s not sin. If I turn my heart and face toward the One Who made me and trust that even in this painful place He is carrying me and will care for me, that’s not sin.

I will be eternally grateful for God's amazing grace!

There is NO way to balance losing my son with any earthly blessing. I have my other children.  Yes, but I had them when I still had him.  I have my health (sort of).  Yes, but I had it when I still had him.  I have a home, freedom, food-yes, yes, yes.  But all that I had when I still had him. So you see, I can’t make it balance out.  No one can. But there is a kernel of truth in this hymn.  And it’s not in trying to pile up one side and weigh it against the other.

I'm so thankful that when the darkness is all I can see, the Lord brings people (and His own precious Presence) to remind me that light still exists.

Because of Jesus, while this reality is harsh, hard and heartbreaking, I have an eternity of rest, renewal and redemption to look forward to

When my heart was shattered, my hope hanging on by a thread, the Spirit of God brought truth to mind and gave me the strength to hold on.

To understand the beauty of forgiveness and the blessing of redemption, we MUST acknowledge the sorrow of sin and the burden of brokenness.

I lean into the Word of God and trust in, rely on and affirm the victory of Jesus Christ. But I still GRIEVE.  

On my hardest days, my darkest days I remember this: as fierce as my mother love may be, it can’t hold a candle to the eternal love of God.

God is for us. REALLY for us. So who can be against us? No one.

All those things that are outside the perfect will of God-the pain, the heartache-aren’t outside His power of redemption.

At the moment of my weakness, the Spirit speaks courage to my spirit. Jesus whispers, “You can do it” to my heart.

The glory to come must be some kind of wonderful it if makes the pain of child loss so small there’s no comparison. Will I trust Him?

Heaven will not simply be rest after a long life’s struggle. It will be restoration, redemption, recreation and resurrection.