Know that this is not what I would have chosen. Child loss happened TO me. It is out of my control. And the calendar pages keep turning.  Every holiday season means another year gone without the companionship of the child I miss. I want to continue to embrace life, to enjoy my loved ones, to make new memories. But I need your help to make it happen.

I know that all these suggestions require additional emotional energy when we feel we are already tapped out.  We are already carrying a load that can crush a spirit-it seems unfair that we have to initiate the conversation, offer alternatives and give grace. But they do not understand. And they may not know where to start. We have to remain focused on the goal:  Surviving the holidays.

It was a long time before I wanted to believe that I received any gifts worth keeping from this life I didn’t choose. I knew I had tears, pain, agonizing sorrow, loss, heartache, dashed hopes, empty arms. If I could give those back and regain my son, I would do it in less than a heartbeat. I can’t, so I’m left here to ponder what else I’ve received from burying a child.

It IS frustrating AND exhausting.   But I am learning (slowly, very slowly!) that it is oh, so much better! Instead of energy spent on being wounded and trying to hide it, I’m learning to speak up, own the wounds and suggest ways to prevent them in the future.  

I’ve discovered that self-control is not a limitless commodity.   Now before my Bible believing friends remind me that it is part of the fruit of the Spirit, I want to say this:  it sure is!  And because the Spirit of Jesus lives inside me I can promise you I am more self-controlled than I would otherwise be. BUT… When every single word, action, thought and feeling has to be reined in every waking moment, there is not enough self-control this side of heaven to do THA

One thing burying my child is teaching me is this:  Every single person I meet is carrying a burden I know nothing about. And most are doing the very best they can to bear that load and still do life.

I wish I could help those outside the child loss community understand just how much it takes for me and everyone like me to do what has to be done. We aren’t being lazy or overly emotional or “making too much of nothing”. We live in a different world than the rest of you.

I want my heart and my words to reflect that I know this Savior full of love and mercy. Spared or not, it’s no doing of mine.

when my son died suddenly in an accident and a deputy came to my door,  it changed me.  It modified who I am and who I will be.

On my hardest days, my darkest days I remember this: as fierce as my mother love may be, it can’t hold a candle to the eternal love of God.

God is for us. REALLY for us. So who can be against us? No one.

The glory to come must be some kind of wonderful it if makes the pain of child loss so small there’s no comparison. Will I trust Him?

I can say with certainty that I am more sure now than I was before that God is God. He is good. He will redeem, restore and resurrect.

Because I am His child. when I’m hurting, God does not run away or turn a blind eye or a deaf ear-He meets me there.

Because I am His child. when I’m hurting, God does not run away or turn a blind eye or a deaf ear-He meets me there.

If I can only praise a God who spares me, I have no songs to sing. But if I can praise the God who loves me then I can always rejoice.

Know that the Lord God loves you. He LOVES you. He loves YOU.

God has put my foot on a solid Rock. When sorrow threatens to drag me deeper than my heart can bear, He reaches down and pulls me up.

I have never felt so desolate as the early morning when I was told my son was dead. I knew if I didn’t remind my heart of truth, I’d be lost

Your story matters. It’s being written to be shared as a testimony to God’s goodness, His faithful love and His enabling grace.