I returned home from attending the funeral of one of my parents’ very best, lifelong friends. And even though he was full of years I’m never prepared for the way death steals from us. As I looked around the crowd gathered near his wife I wondered how many might be offering up platitudes and quips that probably sound helpful in their heads but which fall hard on a broken heart.
So for those who feel compelled to say something, anything, in the silent space between a hug and giving way to the next person in line, here are a few things NOT to say.❤
Humans are hard-wired to say something when silence lingers long between them.
So it’s not surprising that when death makes talking difficult, the person most
susceptible to that pressure will often blurt out the first thing that pops into her head.
And it is often, oh, so wrong.
Here are just a few:
Time heals all wounds.
I know how you feel.
Things happen for a reason.
He's in a better place.
God has a plan.
God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
This will pass.
You are young, you can have more children (or remarry).
Any sentence that begins with , “Just remember”, “At least” or “I know exactly” is better left unsaid.
I know that when a friend or family member is hurting we long to make them feel better and we convince ourselves that words are necessary. But the very best comfort is compassionate presence and perceptive practical help.
We adopted our daughter from birth, I was in the delivery room holding her biological moms hand. About 2 weeks after the funeral, we were in church and a lady walked up to me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "at least she was only adopted", I was in too much shock to respond (good thing) and my husband was mingling somewhere else in the church (also a good thing). There was absolutely no comfort in her words.